A Letter to Gie “Soe Hok-gie, Sekali Lagi …”

Usai membaca Gie rasanya saya merasa dikuliti oleh goresan-goresan tintanya. Kritiknya yang tajam mampu menyihir saya yang selama ini tertidur cukup panjang. Gie, kenapa kamu hadir terlambat dalam dunia saya? Ataukah saya yang ketinggalan kereta? Saya sempat bertanya, apa yang saya lakukan sewaktu saya masih duduk di bangku kuliah sarjana? Saya tak sempat memikirkan apa yang kamu utarakan dengan lugas dan kritis dalam “Catatan Seorang Demonstran” mu. Saya masih terlena dengan keluarga sendiri, bagaimana cara bertahan hidup, bagaimana saya dapat menyelesaikan kuliah dengan dana yang sangat kurang, bagaimana menjadi pemburu beasiswa, dan lain sebagainya. Ah Gie, dunia saya mungkin terlampau sempit bagi kamu. Tapi yang saya tahu Gie, dulu saya sangat berempati kepada anak-anak yang tidak dapat meneruskan pendidikannya karena kekurangan biaya. Sampai sekarang, saya masih terenyuh, Gie. Saya ingin berbuat sesuatu untuk mereka. Saya ingin mereka tidak mengalami kesulitan-kesulitan yang saya hadapi.

Gie, bangsa ini seperti kata kamu sudah semakin tak menarik saja. Pemerintah dan anggota DPR semuanya sama. Senang dengan aturan politik dagang sapi, lobi-lobi politik pedagang yang selalu mengutamakan untung. Bukan untuk rakyat Gie, tapi untuk perut mereka sendiri dan kroni-kroninya. Gie, kamu menulis bahwa ada dua jenis manusia di dunia ini. Pertama adalah orang yang idealis absolut, orang yang tidak pernah mau kompromi begitu dia melihat ketidakadilan dan ketimpangan yang terjadi di masyarakat. Kedua yaitu negotiated man, orang yang berkompromi for the greater good in the future. Orang-orang yang mau mengalah demi kemenangan di akhir kisah. Gie, mungkin saya adalah tipe orang pertama yang tidak pernah mau berkompromi akan suatu ketimpangan atau katakanlah saya keras kepala (orang lain bilang saya munafik dan sok suci). Apa yang menurut nurani saya tidak benar. Tapi, Gie saya juga tidak ingin membohongi diri sendiri bahwa saya orang idealis absolut “meskipun tidak kemutlak-mutlakan” katamu. Saya merasa senang bahwa ada rekan-rekan sejawat yang memang masih memegang teguh prinsipnya walaupun mereka bersikap kompromi, tidak berkepala batu seperti saya.

Saya saat ini bekerja di pemerintahan Gie yang sangat rentan dengan ketimpangan-ketimpangan. Gie, saya hanya bisa bertindak sebatas yang saya mampu. Saya tidak melakukan hal-hal yang kamu lakukan. Mengungkap semuanya dengan gamblang, Gie. Saya hanya bisa berkata, saya tidak akan melakukan apa yang biasa “mereka” lakukan entah itu korupsi kecil-kecilan, ataupun saling sikut demi kepentingan sendiri padahal nyata-nyata anak jalanan itu masih ada dan mereka tidak mengenyam pendidikan. Gie, mungkin hanya kamu yang mengerti kegelisahan ini. “Mereka” telah terbiasa dengan gaya-gaya feodal, setiap tamu harus menyerahkan upeti. Gie, pertanyaan kamu sangat mirip dengan punya saya. Kapan Gie, kapan semua ini akan berakhir dan berubah untuk tujuan yang selalu diperdengarkan oleh angkatan 45 dan 66? Ke mana Gie, ke mana saya harus mencari jawabannya? Engkau mungkin suka mengucilkan diri di gunung, lalu saya? Saya belum bertemu dengan alam secara sewajarnya.

Jujur, Gie. Saya takut jika saya berada di tempat ini terlalu lama, lambat laun akan mati pula nurani saya. Gie, untuk sebuah laporan saja “mereka” mampu membuatnya fiktif. Bukan salah pejabat keuangan Gie, sebagian besar dari pejabat keuangan itu mau tidak mau menjadi “yes man” pimpinan-pimpinan yang tidak mau mengerti dan berbuat semau gue aja, Gie. Kerjaan yang utama cuma jadi sekedar penggembira dalam rangka mengejar untung sebanyak-banyaknya. Kerjaan jadinya UUD (Ujung-Ujungnya Duit, Gie). Sebuah istilah yang baru mungkin bagi kamu Gie J.

Tapi ada juga yang memang masih sangat concern dengan pendidikan kita, Gie. Si Freire bilang bahwa alat untuk membasmi kemiskinan adalah pendidikan. Mereka yang concern berharap bahwa program-program yang disiapkan bisa mencapai target yaitu rakyat biasa, Gie yang selama ini cuma jadi objek penderita (benar-benar menderita). Tapi mereka ini tidak punya kekuasaan Gie, tidak ada jabatan, tidak mau berafiliasi menjadi antek partai yang kebanyakan korup. Ada yang memiliki jabatan, tapi segera disingkirkan. Program dialihkan, semua fakta dianulir dan terkesan adanya tumpang tindih dalam tanggung jawab. Gie, apa begini memang nasib bangsa kita? Nasib orang-orang yang masih idealis? Haruskah saya juga ikut berputus asa, Gie?

“Mereka” melakukan korupsi secara terang-terangan. Kata orang, ini zaman reformasi. Tapi Gie, apa sih sebenarnya yang direformasi? Yang tadinya tersembunyi menjadi terang-terangan termasuk korupsi? Gie, saya sebenarnya sudah apatis terhadap apa yang saya kerjakan.

:: that was all a lie ::

That was all a lie, wasn’t it? It was a lie from the start.

If it has to be this way, so be it. I’ll get over it.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye

(Savage Garden’s lyric: affirmation)

Compiling Scattered Sins

Call me an arrogant for having my faith stand strong

Call me a conventional for being unable to negotiate with stuff that I think it’s wrong to do

Call me a hypocrite for refusing some money to do some mark-ups

Call me damned for allowing myself to be trapped in a devil circle

The only sin I’ve committed on behalf of **** is that I cannot be true to myself

I finally figure that out

This time…

I choose to be myself, I have my own options

My sincere apology for being so blunt

But, that’s the courtesy of my own free will

Dec 6, 2009

I am truly grateful that I still have my conscience

The Night will never Stay

The night will never stay,

The night will still go by,

Though with a million stars

You pin it to the sky;

Though you bind it with the blowing wind

and buckle it with the moon,

The night will slip away

Like a sorrow or a tune.

By Eleanor Farjeon

Bear with the Indonesian system

how would I start this?

Too many complicated things. Just bear with my complaints.

First, it’s really a hell out of  bureaucracy. I don’t hate governmental institutions, what I dislike most is that the officials do not perform professionally. One would not work unless he/she is being paid. hex… it disgusts me.

Second, I just know why Indonesians have  troubles with the English language … even for official documents, Indonesian essays/ writings do not have any closing paragraph. I might be wrong… but I experience this personally… Oh come on… I think the Indonesian language does change… it is not the way it used to be… or perhaps I am too much poisoned by the American English (my friend did say this to me )

Third, believe it or not … the reformation era serves as a euphoria only. Government institutions are corrupt. It is well known though… one of my friend applied for a vacant position as the IT staff at a government institution. Three days ago, he had a test. It supposed to be 31 applicants in the test room. There were 35 desks available and the room was full. Firstly, the officials who conducted the test asked the applicants whether all of them were on the list or not. None of them came forward or responded. Finally, another official came in, and said that they would start the test immediately.

It is very obvious that there is something wrong with the number of the applicants. How could those 4 vague applicants do the test while their names were not on the list? hahahaha… this is my country…

and many more.. I just couldn’t mention it all ….. It just makes me in rage.

it can’t be done, can it?

Hidup Datang & Pergi

Mungkin hampir 2 tahun yang lalu saya menginjakkan kaki di kota Athens yang mungil ini. Masih teringat ketika saya dengan setengah hati meninggalkan Indonesia yang tercinta (cliche mungkin, but this one was real). Saya bilang teman karib saya bahwa saya  ingin segera pulang. Saya  ingin pesawat China Airlines membawa saya kembali ke Jakarta yang waktu itu sudah mendarat di Taipei, Taiwan.

Tahun pertama saya merasa sangat beruntung tinggal dengan Efka, Citra, Mbak Niken di apt Commons yang indah, 1306. Puasa pertama kami masak rame2  untuk buka bersama di 1306 dengan Dana, Brian, dan Bang Gugun yang tinggal di apt 402.

Tahun pertama tersebut banyak air mata yang sudah terluahkan (rindu rumah, rindu keluarga, rindu suasana yang islami). Masih hangat di ingatanku lebaran pertama adalah lebaran terberat, hanya mendengar suara orang tua, saudara, dan almarhum Aba mengucapkan selamat hari raya idul fitri dan saling memaafkan.

Kelar lebaran, Mbak Wini tiba di Athens. Efka dengan legowo pindah ke apt 402 tinggal bersama cowok2. Aku kemudian pindah ke 402 setelah Dana kembali ke Indonesia dan Ita memutuskan untuk tinggal di 1306.

Suasana baru dengan temen2 lama di apartemen yang baru. Sangat menyenangkan, rame dan “situated learning environment.” Brian yang suka begadang belajar, efka banyak kegiatan tapi tugas kuliah oke, bang gugun dengan dopping Mountain Dew-nya… ah sudah  setahun yang lalu…

Tak lupa Mbak Lina, Teh Maru, dan Mas Farid ngajakin berfoto di Tail Park dekat convocation center. Menikmati indahnya bunga sakura di Amerika. Aku sendiri juga ga menyangka ternyata bisa ya ngelihat sakura putih dan merah muda yang tumbuh bersemi bukan di negara asalnya.

Memang sudah setahun yang lalu… tapi kenangan tersebut masih tersimpan rapi dalam ingatanku…

Lebaran tahun kedua kulewati bersama Renzy. Sedianya kami ingin sholat tarawih di Islamiz Center. Namun, tugas2 dan kesibukan kampus benar-benar menyita waktu. Aku pun sebisa mungkin selalu tarawih di kos. Malam hari raya, aku berusaha membuat putri salju supaya ada kesan idul fitri di Amerika…. entahlah… enak atau tidak, aku sih asal bikin saja… anehnya sudah tidak ada lagi keharuan yang aku rasakan pada waktu tahun pertama. mungkin aku sudah terbiasa [?] or it’s just another sign that I don’t know what I am now.

Spring tahun ini jauh lebih gila dan menyenangkan.. aku menghabiskan libur akhir pekan dengan Renzy dan Farheen, mahasiswi asal Pakistan yang sedang belajar di Harvard University. Awalnya memang aku masih terperangkap dengan tugas-tugas penelitian kuantitatif. Tapi, akhirnya aku melewatkan spring dengan indah di Pittsburgh, PA. Kota tua dengan tatanan arsitektur yang apik dan unik.. Thanks to Renzy and Farheen who encouraged me to travel with them… this  Spring means a lot to me.

Setahun terakhir di Athens ku lewatkan bersama Renzy, Kathleen, Harley, dan Nola. Kathleen, ibu kos ku yang baik yang mampu membuat suasana rumahnya menjadi rumah keduaku. Walaupun sempat beberapa kali tinggal sebentar2 dengan teman2 Permiasa yang lain, Mbak Riri, Mbak Aisy, dan Mbak Ida — semuanya memberikan kesan tersendiri bagiku, tetap saja 259 East State Street menjadi tempat yang ternyaman dan terbaik selama setahun terakhir.

Bohong benar jika aku bilang bahwa aku tidak merindukan Athens dan teman2ku… I’ll miss you guys…

I miss Athens, but it’s my turn to start another journey….

So Long My Friends

Some quotes of good bye jamboree from Athens, summer 2009. It is really hard to say good bye.

Dear all,

How are you doing guys? I hope all is well. By the way, I will be leaving for Indonesia on August 29 as I will be done this summer.
I am wondering if we could meet up for coffee in Donkey on Thursday night at 8:30 p.m. I hope to meet most of you at Donkey.
But, I know probably some of us can’t make it. Please allow me to say a couple of words.
It sounds cliche, but I just want to tell you all that this past year has meant a lot to me and how much I value your friendship.
I am sure that you all will be successful in whatever you are doing. Be it a Ph.D degree or a researcher, a job, good luck guys.
Again, thank you for your friendship by providing a good situated learning environment for me. Also, please continue to keep in touch what is happening and how you are. Do know that there is always a bed/ couch/ floor open for you in Indonesia. Don’t forget to reach out to me.

Best of luck and wishes,

Tsuroyya

—-

Hey Tsuroyya,
I really wish I was in Athens and hang out with you!But anyways, it was very nice to meet you as my classmate and spent a year studying with you. I wish you all the best! And please be in touch in the future!
take care,
tintin

—-

Oh, Tsuroyya….. I am still out of town so I wont be able to join you there, but I will be in soul.. promised. I will ever keep treasured your friendship – and your couch offer for Indonesia.. – no.. seriously. I wish quarters would not fly away as they do. One of the things I regret the most is not enjoying my people enough…
I hope we will meet again soon, in Indonesia or Spain . My home is also yours,

Love,

Carolina

—-

Awwwwwwwwwwww Tsuroyya, its been so good knowing you. I do hope you will keep in touch when you leave. Sorry I can’t be there with you tonight but I want to wish you the very best as you leave.

Best.

Priscilla Baaba Bansah

—-

Tsuroyya!!!

How come you are leaving so soon??? I thought that you would be done by middle of September I am in NC and I am arriving to Athens on Friday night… I don’t think I can make it for the coffee But I am wishing you the best and I know you will be a great representative of Commdev! It was great to meet you, you are so kind and nice! If you have a chance to come to America let me know and we might meet again
By the way, how was your summer? I know you took some classes and you worked on your service learning project… and how was the exam?? I still cannot believe that you are leaving now
Again, I wish you the best and it was great to meet you! It’s going to be weird to not see you around anymore.
Have a safe trip and enjoy home!

Peace,

Patricia

—-

It was great getting to know you. You have been a wonderful classmate, very supportive and respectful. I will always remember your smile. You are very high in my esteem and my heart sores to see you leaving us. However I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely thank you and wish you all the best home. I hope our paths meet again if I cannot see you at the party on Thursday. Sad, Sad and Sad!
Idrissa

—-

Tsuroyya, I have been following your jamboree in saying goodbye to friends and loved ones. Though I am back in the States, I am in far away Seattle. Will be back in New York on 31st and head to Columbus and then Athens on the 1st. I don’t know if you will still be around at that time. If not, I wish you a safe trip and don’t forget to keep in touch.

Prosper

—-

Tsui, aku sedih g bisa ketemu Tsui tadi, aku minta maaf telat ya…mohon maaf kalau ada salah kata selama ini, selamat pulang en bertugas ya Tsui…terima kasih untuk semuanya

Widia S

—-

Alhamdulillah, berkah Ramadhan

Ramadhan memang penuh dengan keberkahan. Aku mendapatkan kabar gembira seusai makan sahur dan sholat shubuh. Baru saja aku membaca email dari Committee Chairku yang memberitahukan bahwa hasil comprehensive examku unanimous. Masing-masing committee mempunyai komentar tersendiri, alhamdulillah klo memang seperti itu adanya.

I just can’t help to cry. It’s just overwhelming now.

Sujud syukurku kepada-Mu Ya Allah. Engkau telah karuniakan rahmat yang tak terkira kepada hamba di bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ini. Hamba berharap semoga hamba senantiasa dapat menjadi hamba yang bersyukur kepada-Mu.

Terima kasih Bapak, Ibu, dan kakak-kakak yang di Indonesia  yang selama ini sudah memberikan support dan iringan doa yang tiada henti.

Terima kasih untuk Almarhum Aba, yang tidak pernah kering doanya untukku. Aba, alhamdulillah saya sudah lulus. Maaf jika selama ini masih belum sempat untuk membalas kebaikan Aba……

Terima kasih keluarga IKAZA, dan Alm. H. M. Ali untuk support dan doanya. Doa Bulek Khoir dan Paklek Kholif dari Jeddah.

Terima kasih untuk teman2 di Indo dan di Athens yang menerima saya apa adanya, memberikan dorongan, memaklumi segala kekurangan, dan memberikan suasana yang kekeluargaan. Semoga tali silaturrahim ini senantiasa terjaga sampai akhir hayat.

Post-Grad Degree Syndromes

Well…. as you may see on the title… it’s all about syndromes that I feel when I am approaching the completion of my graduation

# laziness is all over the place… there is no more excitement that I can find by doing some research work and reading textbooks.

# procrastinating is the main activity during the downtime session when I just take classes for granted and having fun. Due dates seem to be more lenient recently.

# La Femme Nikita becomes the major part of my life lately… Luv Michael and Nikita. It doesn’t matter what other people think about them… They are amazing and fabulous.

# sleeping hours increases radically 8 hours minimum and sometimes 10 hours.

# I lose my appetite as the stress from my comprehensive exam, and “going home for good” is always moving around my head.

# I end up busy listing what to do before going home (packing, allocating  some expenses, and other stuff).

# options are there… yet I have decided… no one could really predict how it’s gonna be like… I’ll just have to wait and see.

# worry is so much in me now as I have to wait for the result until the first week of Sept. Hopefully I can make it.

A Dialectic Thought of Online Courses

I had a very nice discussion with my classmates and professor yesterday. He probed interesting questions such as:

why would everyone pay a lot of money just to study in an institution whereas online courses are available?

what advantages that online courses cannot create compared to classroom courses?

why would someone pay a lot of money (more than $6,000.00) just to get interactions and motivations from others? My professor thought it was not even worthed.

Well.. so many things to think about as this subject involves several complex processes.

I don’t blame that my professor with his American minded tends to oversimplify complex problems. As a matter of fact, the point for having online courses or not is influenced by several factors, such as GDP, type of learners, adequate technology and resources.

Sure, it is easy for a country such as USA or any developed countries to ask the above questions. Infrastructure and access for education are more than sufficient for developed countries. Therefore, if he askes why someone would pay a lot of money to go to a classroom, it  makes sense.

On the other hand, it is not the same case in developing countries. Children and younger generations go to classrooms to get education. It is not solely to build interactions and develop motivations. Let’s take a look at the remote areas such as Gunung Kidul, Indonesia. There, people already pay a lot for hygienic water and the least accessible education. There is no way that online courses will come up to their mind as there is no adequate infrastructure. Even if it is there, a few people can afford it. At this point, there comes along the term “digital divide” which refers to a gap between the haves and the have nots.

However, it is also a very thoughtful insight to consider that the development of online courses should increasingly contribute to the society. Having  invested a great sum of money on online courses, an institution has to be able generate innovations to attract students to join an online course and to take the most out of it.

Nothing is impossible with technology, that’s what everyone says currently. Interactions and motivations can be initiated through online courses. Certain programs, such as second life offer real peer-interactions.

As it is stated before, it depends on each country’s condition. One might think online courses are both benefecial and essential. Others might think that technology, including online courses is a means to mechanize human beings. This mechanization causes alienation, lack of social relationship, and so forth. Finally, there has always been a tension between these two competing poles.