Forgetting is never a Piece of Cake

Perhaps the only reason I haven’t been able to start my life again is I still save you somewhere in my heart. Even though  I’ve said get the fuck out of my life a thousand times, I can’t deny the fact that I hardly forget you. Why? Yes, why?

Why should I be in this situation again? Why can’t I get over you? Why can’t I get over this feeling? What is it that makes me want you? I should have got rid of you a long time ago. I know that there’s no story between us. Even if there were, would that make any difference?

If only memories were allowed to be taken, then I would give up the memory of you and me. I’d let this sink to the deepest ocean so that no one would ever find out.

I have always been waiting the moment when you truly disappear from my soul. I realize the waits will never be a piece of cake, but I really wish I could get it through though I have no idea how long it will take. I am putting as much effort as I am willing to. So, please liberate me from your shadow, allow me to take a sip of a new life, let me treasure a new world.

(a reflection after another dream of you)

New Work = New World?

It has been almost 2.5 months since I started working at a new institution. I am so happy that what I wrote on my blog finally comes true. “I have always wanted to work with the community, be it a teacher, a staff at international NGO, and so on.” I am accepted as a faculty member at a higher learning institution. The job requires competence, responsibility, honesty, and dedication. I say my requirements are not adequate yet. I need to learn a lot.

Just as I think that I successfully escape from the whole bureaucracy thingy, I am suddenly asked to help at International Office, which means doing administrative tasks, dealing with bureaucracy, and connecting with people. The fact that I can’t cut off my relationship with my previous institution somehow weighs something. Burden? Yeah, probably. Responsibility? Of course. There is just one thing that I should keep in mind. I can’t just deny of what I am or what I have always been including my background, my past, everything. Cause each time I need to escape or seek for a relief, I always find a new thing yet similar.

The tasks make me worry in a way that I can’t manage my time well. I am so afraid that I perform more on non academic tasks than non academic ones. I’ll try my best, I hope I can be as much persistent as I wanna be.

A new position doesn’t always mean a new world. “Same old brand new you” by A1 is probably the theme song for today’s reflection.

By the way, I watched Takuya Kimura and Bon Jovi on youtube this morning. They sang ” We weren’t born to follow” and “It’s My Life.” The songs are amazing and their lyric does lighten up my day. Never give up or give in Tsuroyya!

Oyasumi, everyone

Friendship

I’d say friendship comes up from a bond between two people and common things that they share. It requires trust, negotiation, and in depth undertanding among  the two or more. A colleague of mine says “People always come and go, but friendship stays forever.” Perhaps one takes a long time to finally agree with the statement, but I found the truth alright.

Three or four years ago, my best friend attended an international seminar on HIV/ AIDS in Srilangka a week before I went to the States. Returning from the seminar, she was looking for a job while I had already got one. She finally got a position at a private bank when I was already in the States. She wondered if I were not who I had always been when I finished my Master’s degree. I said “I am me and always be myself.” She envied me for studying abroad. I convinced her that she would be abroad someday, someway.

Good news came through around September last year. She said she was nominated for an international competition for contact centers. I was very happy for her. She asked several things including making sure that her answers suited the questions. I was glad that I could help. She got through a lot: trainings, suggestions, revisions, discrimination as well. I reassured her, “You’ve done your best. Now, let God do the rest.”

Last week, she went to Australia for the competition. SHE MADE IT. I just received her message yesterday. She will be invited to the next round competition in Las Vegas in November. I am so happy for her and unbelievably touched by this good news. To tell the truth, now I envy her a lot .

After all, everything that both of us do will go the same destination though this takes different pathways to reach. Lastly, the prayers come true, I don’t know how … the paths that we take somehow reflect our bond, shared things, and sincere feeling of gratitude for having a wonderful friend.

Awesome Friends

I am grateful to have wonderful friends everywhere. Each time I feel blue, someone just pops up and lights up my day…

Thanks for besties and friends (who seem lost for a while) but know exactly the very condition of me.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all….

supplication

Sungguh hidup, mati,  ujian, dan rizqi adalah rahasia-Mu. Ku tak menyangkalnya. Jika manusia bisa memperkirakan kapan dia akan menghembuskan nyawa, maka takkan ada hamba-Mu yang berpaling dari-Mu. Tak ada konsep neraka, tak ada syaitan yang tidak tunduk kepada Adam, tak ada perang, dan tak ada dajjal dunia.

Engkau adalah Maha segalanya yang Mengetahui setiap detil makhluk ciptaan-Mu. Engkau Maha Tahu seberapa besar kemampuan hamba-Mu untuk menerima ujian, cobaan, bahkan adzab (tsumma na’udzubillah min dzalik) dari-Mu. Sekali lagi hamba merasa tak mampu untuk Engkau gembleng dengan ujian ini. Sekali lagi hamba merasa rapuh, tidak tahu ke mana harus mengadu.

Meski hamba tidak akan pernah bisa mengetahui rahasia-Mu, beri hamba sedikit kekuatan untuk mampu melangkah tegak di jalan-Mu, beri hamba sedikit kesabaran agar tidak mudah rapuh dan tenggelam dalam penyesalan serta mimpi semu, beri hamba  bahu yang sedikit tegap untuk menopang kerabat yang sedang dalam kesulitan, beri hamba sedikit rizqi dan umur yang berkah agar hamba bisa bermanfaat bagi orang lain….

ini yang sekarang hamba alami… hamba benar-benar tidak tahu hamba harus bersyukur atau bersedih. Bersyukur Engkau pilih untuk menerima ujian ini dan bersedih dengan kenyataan dari ujian ini. Hamba paham sepenuhnya bahwa hamba penuh khilaf dan dosa. Hanya mengadu di kala dalam kesusahan dan lalai mengingat-Mu ketika mendapat nikmat.

Hamba memohon agar semuanya akan berakhir dengan baik. Hamba benar-benar takut kejadian yang sama akan terulang. Allah, jangan jadikan hamba tidak tunduk kepada-Mu. Karuniai hamba dengan  rasa ikhlas dan qonaah. Yang lalu hamba berharap seluruhnya kepada-Mu, namun takdir-Mu berkata lain dan hamba tak kuasa menerimanya dengan ikhlas. Hamba takut kejadian yang sama akan berulang dan berulang lagi. Hilangkan saja perasaan ini Ya Allah. Hamba akan selalu bergantung kepada-Mu dan mengharapkan pertolongan-Mu. Karuniai hamba untuk tumbuh dan berkembang demi mengabdi kepada-Mu.

Biarlah rahasia-Mu tersimpan di Lauhil Mahfudz, namun kabulkanlah permohonan hamba-Mu yang rendah ini…..

Ud’uunii astajib lakum

Coincidents? Probably…

The world has been pretty much revolving now. Say the revolutions in Tunisia, followed by Egypt. The revolution occurs to replace the authoritative regime in the Arab world. Now, this takes place in Yaman, Algeria, Bahrain, and other Arab countries. Hopefully, these shifts will be a new start in the Arab world toward what they call democracy.

Meanwhile, several riots occur in Indonesia. Unfortunately, they have to do with religion (I say faith) differences. They are one in Cikeusik and in Temanggung. Again, Muslims are the suspects of all these riots. What makes me curious is why these two riots happen just before Baasyir’s (the suspect of terrorism act in Indonesia) court is held. Coincidents? Probably…

You TELL me .

Jalan Hidupku

Frank Sinatra

Dan sekarang akhir perjalananku sudah dekat

Lalu aku akan menghadapi fase terakhir dalam hidupku

Kan ku katakan dengan jelas

Kan ku kisahkan kehidupan yang ku yakini

Aku telah hidup dengan menggapai impian-impianku

Aku menapaki setiap tanjakan

Dan lebih dari sekedar tanjakan-tanjakan ini

Aku menapakinya dengan caraku

Terdapat beberapa penyesalan

Namun terlalu sedikit untuk ku ceritakan

Aku melakukan apa yang harus ku lakukan

Dan melihatnya berlalu tanpa berbuat apa-apa

Aku merencanakan setiap arah jalan hidupku

Tiap langkah yang penuh kehati-hatian di sepanjang jalan setapak

Dan lebih dari sekedar langkah-langkah ini

Aku merencanakannya dengan caraku

Ya, memang ada beberapa waktu yang ku yakin kamu tahu

Ketika aku melakukan lebih dari yang kumampu

Namun dalam keraguan kulalui semuanya

Kutelan dan kumuntahkan semua keraguan itu,  aku hadapi semuanya

Aku tetap tegar dan melaluinya dengan caraku

Aku telah mencintai, tertawa, dan menangis

Aku telah bertahan dari perasaan kehilangan

Dan sekarang, seiring air mataku telah surut

Aku menganggap semuanya sebagai pengalaman yang menyenangkan

Berpikir bahwa aku telah melakukan itu semua

Dan aku tidak malu mengatakannya

Tidak, tidak, tidak

Itu bukan aku

Karena seseorang dinilai dari apa yang dia punya

Jika bukan tentang dia sendiri, maka dia belum mengatakan apa yang benar-benar dia rasakan

Dan bukan kata-kata seseorang yang memohon

Keyataannya aku telah menghadapi begitu banyak guncangan dan melewatinya dengan caraku

Ya, itulah jalan hidupku

Translated by Tsuroyya (edited by Renzy)